Bad Day / Beautiful People

So I have been going through a bad time lately, like we all do - work stress, relationship failure, juggling money from one account to another and a general feeling of being lost and questioning my whole existence. Thoughts fly through my head. What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? Why did that have to happen? Will things ever change? Why am I so fat and ugly? Am I a bad person? Have I gone completely mad? And then like an old friend self-destruction creeps in. This morning I decided not to go to work; I have been waiting almost two weeks for a desk and computer so what’s the point of going if I cannot do my job anyway? I spent the morning looking at other possibilities, thinking of working at a rich school that offers more money near my home, looking at plane tickets to Australia. It was 11:30am when I realized I was late for Eva Mysliwiec’s event so I ran downstairs and hopped on a moto-dop trying ever so hard to find a positive thought to think before I met a woman I have admired for such a long time. After briefly meeting Eva I decided I should go to work/school, I directed my moto man and also apologized for being so irritable. We turned a corner and my phone flew out of my pocket and was crushed by traffic on a busy road. Why oh why am I in this screwed up country? I decided to let it all go and rushed into work with one thought on my mind, it’s Akar’s birthday today.

Akara was born just before Pol Pot time and he and his family suffered severely under the regime, he is lucky to be here today and is also one of the lucky Cambodians that made it to the Thai refugee camps and then on to America. He was inspired to return to Cambodia by Angelina Jolie two years ago. After a quick birthday greeting he asked how I was. I explained I was not so good and was booking a trip to Australia for a couple of months to lay by the beach and do and think nothing. He said I could just go to Sihanoukville, I said that in Sihanoukville I will not be paid for laying by the beach doing nothing, in Australia I will. It was lunchtime and he kindly invited me for a coffee to talk. I was so thankful to talk with Akara as I know he went through the same thing a several months ago after the police threw him in jail and confiscated his car for trying to help a man injured from a road accident. He then turned to alcohol and gambling for a short time and lost everything he had saved. He is one of the few people I truly respect and relate to. Like me he is not quite Khmer but not western either. He talked about the situation in Cambodia, how I had found myself fighting against the corrupt elite and helpless. He was in the same position when he first came, earning a Cambodian salary to pay foreign debts, helping and then discovering that the help was going elsewhere no matter how directly it was given. He explained that the reason he never visits the orphanage I volunteer for is that once he looks into the eyes of the children he won’t be able to ignore what seems an almost impossible position. Sadly I have looked into their eyes and cannot ignore it but just hearing that was so comforting, I am not alone. We also talked about how much we were in sink in our choices, emotionally and financially. We both have not much money ourselves living like we do but we also know that if we were willing to comprimise our goals and country of choice money would be handed to us on a platter, but for some reason we cannot. Saying that the daily battles and thoughts that we could easily be in our family’s mansion sipping cocktails by the pool is constant, but that would mean saying good-bye to Cambodia. Akara calmed me and made me see a way through this as opposed to a way out. I am truly honored to have such a wonderful friend.

After returning to work I checked my email and amongst the usual hassles, updates and questions there was a beautiful message from an old and dear, dear friend, Karen. I must say, Karen, I am jealous too. Not a day passes that I don’t ask myself why I do not opt for security instead of living how I do. I am split between wishing I were near you and wishing you were near me. You are more than an inspiration, you do more than that – you encourage me to keep going.

My day was then topped off by a lovely message on my facebook wall from one of my favorite writers Loung Ung! Please know Loung that you have made a big difference in someone’s life, someone that was tempted to give up and see only the negative side of such a diverse and beautiful country. A very big thank you to Akara, Karen and Loung. Because of you I am happy to believe, in people, again.